If you cannot laugh, you are in trouble. Life is not fun for you.
You take things too seriously and build stress.
If you cannot laugh, you set a negative example for others.
People tend to dislike you. No one wants to help you get ahead.
If you cannot laugh, you may not sleep well. You need drugs or alcohol to feel good. You have health problems.
Fortunately, you can learn to laugh.
Benefits of Laughter
* Laughter strengthens the Immune System. According to Dr. Lee S. Berk from Loma Linda University, California, USA, laughter helps increase the count of white-blood cells and antibody levels.
* Laughter stimulates heart and blood circulation better than other aerobic exercises. Per Dr. William Fry of Stanford University, one minute of laughter is equal to 10 minutes on the rowing machine.
* Laughing provides a good massage to internal organs. It enhances blood supply and organ efficiency, especially with intestines. Experiments also show your blood-pressure decreases after 10 minutes of laughter.
* Laughter increases the levels of the pain killer endorphin. In Norman Cousins' book "Anatomy of an Illness," he explains how laughter relieved the intense pain of his spinal disease when no painkiller would help.
* Younger appearance. Laughter tones facial muscles and improves facial expressions. When you laugh, your face becomes red due to an increase in blood supply. Laughing people look more cheerful and attractive.
An average four-year-old laughs 400 times per day while "solid-citizen" adults average 15 laughs per day. Ideally, you laugh every five minutes (200 times per day).
Another way to find joy and laughter in life is to make your problems MORE serious!
"The mechanism* is to make it more and more and more serious until it becomes utterly and completely ridiculous and the person will explode the whole thing off in laughter." -- L. Ron Hubbard (*mechanism: system or process)
You exaggerate your troubles or expand your complaints to such hilarious levels that you and others end up laughing.
Comics get laughs when they make things extra serious. Remember Saturday Night Live television shows where John Belushi would express his opinion with such force, he would turn red, scream with anger and flop back and forth until he fell off his chair? He was so overly serious, the audience would scream with laughter.
For example,
you go into a bank to cash a check.The bank teller looks at you suspiciously and says, "May I see two forms of ID please?" You say, "Sure. Here's my driver's license and my credit card."
The bank teller clerk examines your cards without comment. She seems unhappy and very serious.
So you pull out more cards and say, "And here's my library card, BlockBuster video rental card, Star Trek Junior Cadet Club card and my Yo-Yo Association card. My name is on all of them."
The teller tries, but can't stop laughing.
A serious waitress brings your food and says, "Be careful. The plate is very hot." So you grab the plate, jerk your hand back and say, "Oh Man! I burned myself!!" The waitress realizes you are exaggerating and laughs.
More Ways to Make Things More Serious If you are having a pity party, write or say to yourself, "Oh, oh, oh! Woe is me! I suffer so much. POOR MEEEE!!! My life is a complete mess! I'm devastated! I will never be happy ever!"
Do all you can to be a poor victim.
Feel really sorry for yourself.
Boost your feelings of self-pity to new levels.
Make yourself sob, even cry.
Be as serious as possible until you feel ridiculous.
If you aren't laughing, bawl as loud as you can, just like Lucy Ricardo on her television show, I Love Lucy.
Repeat each time you start to feel sorry for yourself.
If you feel serious and stressed, act EXTREMELY stressed out.
Pretend to have a heart attack. Fall on the floor. Give an Academy Award performance.
If someone gives you some alarming news, grab your collar or tie, stick out your tongue and pretend to hang yourself. Pretend the world has come to an end until you and the other person laugh.
If you are a manager or parent, do this with serious employees and serious kids. "Man, if sane, is a child of laughter." -- L. Ron Hubbard
Self-criticism Does Not Help You Succeed
"You are treating yourself in present time much as you were treated by others in the past.
And you punish yourself far more than anyone would ever punish you." -- L. Ron Hubbard
How have people treated you in the past?
Have you ever noticed that you treat yourself the same way?
Unless everyone has always treated you with respect and kindness, you might criticize yourself from time to time. And self-criticism or self-invalidation, ruins your success.
False Ideas At some point, you may have accepted these ideas to be true.
"If I cut myself down before anyone else cuts me down, I win!" "I respect Joe's opinion. Joe thinks I'm an idiot. So I must be an idiot."
"If I punish myself, maybe others will leave me alone."
"I've heard it's sinful to like myself, so I'd better hate myself."
"No one knows my deep, dark secret:
I'm actually a bad person."
Of course, all of these ideas are nonsense.
True Ideas
To succeed, you need to treat yourself with respect and admiration.
To succeed, you need a high opinion of yourself.
You need to remember that you are a good person.
"Actually you are a giant tied down with cotton lint.
You tied the knots and furnished the string and said where you'd lie."
"The cold, basic truth is that you are a vital and necessary part of this world." -- L. Ron Hubbard
Three Tips for Improving Your Success
1. Every time you criticize yourself about something, add a solution. Decide on a way to fix the weakness. Focus on improvement instead of problems.
For example:
"I'm so stupid! Why didn't I ask him about his other company when I had the chance? No wonder I'm such a loser . . . wait, how can I fix this? From now on, I'm taking five minutes before each important meeting and writing a list of things to do so I don't mess up again. Great idea!"
2. Write down things about yourself of which you are proud. If necessary, start with small things, such as good personal habits.
3. Keep writing until you improve your opinion.
For example:
"I might be fat, but I brush my teeth regularly. I'm eating more vegetables these days. I haven't gotten angry at my kids for a month. I'm earning more money this year. I'm helping Joe with his drinking problem . . . ."
And you punish yourself far more than anyone would ever punish you." -- L. Ron Hubbard
How have people treated you in the past?
Have you ever noticed that you treat yourself the same way?
Unless everyone has always treated you with respect and kindness, you might criticize yourself from time to time. And self-criticism or self-invalidation, ruins your success.
False Ideas At some point, you may have accepted these ideas to be true.
"If I cut myself down before anyone else cuts me down, I win!" "I respect Joe's opinion. Joe thinks I'm an idiot. So I must be an idiot."
"If I punish myself, maybe others will leave me alone."
"I've heard it's sinful to like myself, so I'd better hate myself."
"No one knows my deep, dark secret:
I'm actually a bad person."
Of course, all of these ideas are nonsense.
True Ideas
To succeed, you need to treat yourself with respect and admiration.
To succeed, you need a high opinion of yourself.
You need to remember that you are a good person.
"Actually you are a giant tied down with cotton lint.
You tied the knots and furnished the string and said where you'd lie."
"The cold, basic truth is that you are a vital and necessary part of this world." -- L. Ron Hubbard
Three Tips for Improving Your Success
1. Every time you criticize yourself about something, add a solution. Decide on a way to fix the weakness. Focus on improvement instead of problems.
For example:
"I'm so stupid! Why didn't I ask him about his other company when I had the chance? No wonder I'm such a loser . . . wait, how can I fix this? From now on, I'm taking five minutes before each important meeting and writing a list of things to do so I don't mess up again. Great idea!"
2. Write down things about yourself of which you are proud. If necessary, start with small things, such as good personal habits.
3. Keep writing until you improve your opinion.
For example:
"I might be fat, but I brush my teeth regularly. I'm eating more vegetables these days. I haven't gotten angry at my kids for a month. I'm earning more money this year. I'm helping Joe with his drinking problem . . . ."
How to Form a Relationship with Anyone
You can only succeed with the help, interest and support of others, and this requires the ability to form business and personal relationships.
A powerful tool you can use to break the ice and form new relationships comes from the book, The Problems of Work: "The way to talk to a man, then, would be to find something to like about him and to discuss something with which he can agree." -- L. Ron Hubbard You can use this simple two-part system to talk to anyone!
For example, you want to form a relationship with a neighbor.Where do you start?
1. Find something to like about the neighbor. You look him over and decide he has a nice smile and good looking boots. This step is done. You don't have to say anything unless you feel like it.
2. Discuss something with which he can agree. You have to ask some questions to determine this.
What has he been doing lately?
How's his family? What do they do for fun?
For example,
he talks about a fantastic vacation he and his family just enjoyed in Florida. You love Florida, too. You discuss and agree on Florida's fun spots.
As another example, you are waiting for your flight to Chicago at an airport. You decide to establish a relationship with the business woman sitting next to you. First you find something you like about her. You like her red-leather briefcase. So you say,
"Nice briefcase!" She smiles and nods. You then find something with which she can agree.
"Are you from Chicago?" She starts to communicate. You find you both agree that Chicago weather is too cold. You then find other things of which you both agree.
A car salesman is very successful because he knows how to use this technique. He establishes relationships within seconds of meeting people. People in elevators, workers in restaurants, clerks in stores, even people on sidewalks. He instantly finds something he likes about each person and then finds something the other person can agree on. He never lacks new customers. Everyone likes being around him.
Forming relationships is priceless when climbing the ladder to success. You establish valuable contacts wherever you can. Parties, work, church, business events, conventions, anywhere.
Simply walk up to someone, find something you like about the person, then discover and discuss a point of agreement. Just keep asking questions.
"What do you like best about these meetings?"
"What is your opinion about _____(the meeting topic)_____?"
"What business are you in?"
You can use these two steps to form relation">ships with anyone.
For example,
you get on a train and sit next to a body-pierced, tattooed, pimply-faced teenager with hamburger breath.
You follow the formula and find something to like about him:
he has a beautiful sunset picture on his shirt.
You feel better about the fellow and start to find something with which he can agree.
"Where did you get that great shirt?" Before long, you actually enjoy the relationship.
A powerful tool you can use to break the ice and form new relationships comes from the book, The Problems of Work: "The way to talk to a man, then, would be to find something to like about him and to discuss something with which he can agree." -- L. Ron Hubbard You can use this simple two-part system to talk to anyone!
For example, you want to form a relationship with a neighbor.Where do you start?
1. Find something to like about the neighbor. You look him over and decide he has a nice smile and good looking boots. This step is done. You don't have to say anything unless you feel like it.
2. Discuss something with which he can agree. You have to ask some questions to determine this.
What has he been doing lately?
How's his family? What do they do for fun?
For example,
he talks about a fantastic vacation he and his family just enjoyed in Florida. You love Florida, too. You discuss and agree on Florida's fun spots.
As another example, you are waiting for your flight to Chicago at an airport. You decide to establish a relationship with the business woman sitting next to you. First you find something you like about her. You like her red-leather briefcase. So you say,
"Nice briefcase!" She smiles and nods. You then find something with which she can agree.
"Are you from Chicago?" She starts to communicate. You find you both agree that Chicago weather is too cold. You then find other things of which you both agree.
A car salesman is very successful because he knows how to use this technique. He establishes relationships within seconds of meeting people. People in elevators, workers in restaurants, clerks in stores, even people on sidewalks. He instantly finds something he likes about each person and then finds something the other person can agree on. He never lacks new customers. Everyone likes being around him.
Forming relationships is priceless when climbing the ladder to success. You establish valuable contacts wherever you can. Parties, work, church, business events, conventions, anywhere.
Simply walk up to someone, find something you like about the person, then discover and discuss a point of agreement. Just keep asking questions.
"What do you like best about these meetings?"
"What is your opinion about _____(the meeting topic)_____?"
"What business are you in?"
You can use these two steps to form relation">ships with anyone.
For example,
you get on a train and sit next to a body-pierced, tattooed, pimply-faced teenager with hamburger breath.
You follow the formula and find something to like about him:
he has a beautiful sunset picture on his shirt.
You feel better about the fellow and start to find something with which he can agree.
"Where did you get that great shirt?" Before long, you actually enjoy the relationship.
How to Become a Leader
Becoming the leader of a project, group or business is very
thrilling. You get to make the decisions, help more people, earn more
pay and have more fun. The technology described in this article
outlines exactly how you can do this.
"THE K-R-C TRIANGLE"
"The points are K for KNOWLEDGE, R for RESPONSIBILITY and C for CONTROL."
"It is difficult to be responsible for something or control something unless you have KNOWLEDGE of it."
"It is folly to try to control something or even know something without RESPONSIBILITY."
"It is hard to fully know something or be responsible for something over which you have no CONTROL, otherwise the result can be an overwhelm."
"Little by little one can make anything go right by
"INCREASING KNOWLEDGE . . . ,"
"INCREASING RESPONSIBILITY . . . ,"
"INCREASING CONTROL . . . ."
"If one sorts out any situation one finds oneself in on this basis, he will generally succeed."
"By inching up each corner of the KRC triangle bit by bit, ignoring the losses and making the wins firm, a being at length discovers his power and command of life." -- L. Ron Hubbard
Examples
Terry and Joe work for Dan's Auto Repair. They both want to succeed, but Terry uses the KRC Triangle.
For example, when Joe makes a mistake, he hits the car part with his tool. When Terry makes a mistake, he slows down, adjusts the tool and carefully does the work again. He increases his control.
At 5:00 each night, Joe puts down his tools and walks out the door to get a beer. Terry cleans up his area, oils his tools and puts them away. He increases his responsibility.
During the weekends, Joe watches football while Terry reads auto repair magazines and shop manuals. He increases his knowledge.
Joe gets frustrated when he can't pay his bills, can't get along with his wife and can't get ahead at his job. He complains about all the losses he has had in life to his buddies at the bar every night.
Terry also gets frustrated, but he ignores the losses and rarely talks about them. Instead, he makes his wins firm by sharing them with his family and friends and looks for new ways to succeed.
When Dan, the owner of the shop, decides to add a partner to his business, who does he choose?
Who are the most successful people you personally know? How much knowledge, responsibility and control do they have in their fields?
How often do they increase their knowledge? Their responsibility? Their control?
Do they talk about their failures or their successes?
To become a leader and achieve success, just remember these five things: increase knowledge, increase responsibility, increase control, ignore losses and solidify wins.
Recommendations
Raise your KRC for the activity faster and more thoroughly than anyone else and you will become the leader.
1. Decide on the group or project that you want lead. If you are not yet a part of that activity, take a small position in that group or project.
2. Increase your knowledge: Learn more about the activity than anyone. Do more research than anyone. Figure out more innovative solutions than anyone.
3. Increase your responsibility: Be a great supporter to the current leader. Volunteer to do extra work and take on extra duties with no pay. Consider the success of the project or group to be your personal responsibility.
4. Control: Invest more time and interest in the activity than anyone else. Take control of every aspect of the project or group, when the opportunity presents itself.
5. Losses: Do not dwell on any failures, regrets or mistakes you encounter. Fix them, when possible, but otherwise, ignore them.
6. Wins: Focus on your successes each day. Write them down, think about them and talk about them. Make them a permanent part of your life.
7. Because you have the most knowledge and responsibility for the success of the project, an opportunity to take control of the project or group will eventually appear. When this happens, do not hesitate. Take the reins!
"THE K-R-C TRIANGLE"
"The points are K for KNOWLEDGE, R for RESPONSIBILITY and C for CONTROL."
"It is difficult to be responsible for something or control something unless you have KNOWLEDGE of it."
"It is folly to try to control something or even know something without RESPONSIBILITY."
"It is hard to fully know something or be responsible for something over which you have no CONTROL, otherwise the result can be an overwhelm."
"Little by little one can make anything go right by
"INCREASING KNOWLEDGE . . . ,"
"INCREASING RESPONSIBILITY . . . ,"
"INCREASING CONTROL . . . ."
"If one sorts out any situation one finds oneself in on this basis, he will generally succeed."
"By inching up each corner of the KRC triangle bit by bit, ignoring the losses and making the wins firm, a being at length discovers his power and command of life." -- L. Ron Hubbard
Examples
Terry and Joe work for Dan's Auto Repair. They both want to succeed, but Terry uses the KRC Triangle.
For example, when Joe makes a mistake, he hits the car part with his tool. When Terry makes a mistake, he slows down, adjusts the tool and carefully does the work again. He increases his control.
At 5:00 each night, Joe puts down his tools and walks out the door to get a beer. Terry cleans up his area, oils his tools and puts them away. He increases his responsibility.
During the weekends, Joe watches football while Terry reads auto repair magazines and shop manuals. He increases his knowledge.
Joe gets frustrated when he can't pay his bills, can't get along with his wife and can't get ahead at his job. He complains about all the losses he has had in life to his buddies at the bar every night.
Terry also gets frustrated, but he ignores the losses and rarely talks about them. Instead, he makes his wins firm by sharing them with his family and friends and looks for new ways to succeed.
When Dan, the owner of the shop, decides to add a partner to his business, who does he choose?
Who are the most successful people you personally know? How much knowledge, responsibility and control do they have in their fields?
How often do they increase their knowledge? Their responsibility? Their control?
Do they talk about their failures or their successes?
To become a leader and achieve success, just remember these five things: increase knowledge, increase responsibility, increase control, ignore losses and solidify wins.
Recommendations
Raise your KRC for the activity faster and more thoroughly than anyone else and you will become the leader.
1. Decide on the group or project that you want lead. If you are not yet a part of that activity, take a small position in that group or project.
2. Increase your knowledge: Learn more about the activity than anyone. Do more research than anyone. Figure out more innovative solutions than anyone.
3. Increase your responsibility: Be a great supporter to the current leader. Volunteer to do extra work and take on extra duties with no pay. Consider the success of the project or group to be your personal responsibility.
4. Control: Invest more time and interest in the activity than anyone else. Take control of every aspect of the project or group, when the opportunity presents itself.
5. Losses: Do not dwell on any failures, regrets or mistakes you encounter. Fix them, when possible, but otherwise, ignore them.
6. Wins: Focus on your successes each day. Write them down, think about them and talk about them. Make them a permanent part of your life.
7. Because you have the most knowledge and responsibility for the success of the project, an opportunity to take control of the project or group will eventually appear. When this happens, do not hesitate. Take the reins!
How to Become a Leader
Becoming the leader of a project, group or business is very thrilling. You get to make the decisions, help more people, earn more pay and have more fun. The technology described in this article outlines exactly how you can do this.
"THE K-R-C TRIANGLE"
"The points are K for KNOWLEDGE, R for RESPONSIBILITY and C for CONTROL."
"It is difficult to be responsible for something or control something unless you have KNOWLEDGE of it."
"It is folly to try to control something or even know something without RESPONSIBILITY."
"It is hard to fully know something or be responsible for something over which you have no CONTROL, otherwise the result can be an overwhelm."
"Little by little one can make anything go right by
"INCREASING KNOWLEDGE . . . ,"
"INCREASING RESPONSIBILITY . . . ,"
"INCREASING CONTROL . . . ."
"If one sorts out any situation one finds oneself in on this basis, he will generally succeed."
"By inching up each corner of the KRC triangle bit by bit, ignoring the losses and making the wins firm, a being at length discovers his power and command of life." -- L. Ron Hubbard
Examples
Terry and Joe work for Dan's Auto Repair. They both want to succeed, but Terry uses the KRC Triangle.
For example, when Joe makes a mistake, he hits the car part with his tool. When Terry makes a mistake, he slows down, adjusts the tool and carefully does the work again. He increases his control.
At 5:00 each night, Joe puts down his tools and walks out the door to get a beer. Terry cleans up his area, oils his tools and puts them away. He increases his responsibility.
During the weekends, Joe watches football while Terry reads auto repair magazines and shop manuals. He increases his knowledge.
Joe gets frustrated when he can't pay his bills, can't get along with his wife and can't get ahead at his job. He complains about all the losses he has had in life to his buddies at the bar every night.
Terry also gets frustrated, but he ignores the losses and rarely talks about them. Instead, he makes his wins firm by sharing them with his family and friends and looks for new ways to succeed.
When Dan, the owner of the shop, decides to add a partner to his business, who does he choose?
Who are the most successful people you personally know? How much knowledge, responsibility and control do they have in their fields?
How often do they increase their knowledge? Their responsibility? Their control?
Do they talk about their failures or their successes?
To become a leader and achieve success, just remember these five things: increase knowledge, increase responsibility, increase control, ignore losses and solidify wins.
Recommendations
Raise your KRC for the activity faster and more thoroughly than anyone else and you will become the leader.
1. Decide on the group or project that you want lead. If you are not yet a part of that activity, take a small position in that group or project.
2. Increase your knowledge: Learn more about the activity than anyone. Do more research than anyone. Figure out more innovative solutions than anyone.
3. Increase your responsibility: Be a great supporter to the current leader. Volunteer to do extra work and take on extra duties with no pay. Consider the success of the project or group to be your personal responsibility.
4. Control: Invest more time and interest in the activity than anyone else. Take control of every aspect of the project or group, when the opportunity presents itself.
5. Losses: Do not dwell on any failures, regrets or mistakes you encounter. Fix them, when possible, but otherwise, ignore them.
6. Wins: Focus on your successes each day. Write them down, think about them and talk about them. Make them a permanent part of your life.
7. Because you have the most knowledge and responsibility for the success of the project, an opportunity to take control of the project or group will eventually appear.
When this happens, do not hesitate. Take the reins!
You Tried to Reach a Goal and Failed . . . Now What?
Have you ever said:
"I have too many problems to reach my goals."
"I'm the wrong age/wrong race/wrong gender/wrong nationality."
"It seems too hard for me to do."
"I'd rather watch TV."
"Whatever made me think I could do that?"
"I'm sick of the whole thing."
"I simply can't do it."
"I'll do it some other time."
"I don't have enough energy."
"I didn't realize it would be this difficult."
"Like most people, I'll never reach my dreams."
"I've lost hope."
Once you start saying, "can't," you are on the downhill road to failure. "I can't do the project." "I can't pay my bills." "I can't succeed." Of course, barriers to success are part of society.
For example, most government regulations outline the things you cannot do. "You can't park there." "You can't keep that money." "Unless you follow these regulations, you can't . . . ." Pick up any law and notice how often the words "Prohibit," "Forbidden" and "Disallowed" occur while words like "Encouraged," "Allowed" and "Recommended" are absent.
Some employers like to act like governments and stop things. "You can't leave early." "You can't have more authority." "You can't do things your own way."
Businesses do it to customers. "We can't see you without an appointment." "I can't give you a discount if you pay in full." "Sorry, we cannot help you."
The real damage occurs when you stop yourself. "I can't handle more work." "I can't earn more money." "I can't change."
Have You Been Stopped?
When all you see in life are problems, you feel stopped. When you decide the forces in the universe are against you, you feel stopped. Whenever you feel like giving up, you feel stopped.
Why might you feel there are so many barriers to your progress?
"STOPS ALL OCCUR BECAUSE OF FAILED PURPOSES. BEHIND EVERY STOP THERE IS A FAILED PURPOSE." -- L. Ron Hubbard
The sequence goes like this:
1. You have a purpose to _________.
For example, do you remember some of your old purposes? Make $20 million. Raise a happy family. Tour Europe. Get involved in the community. Make a major contribution to society. Help people. Buy a mansion.
2. For one reason or other, you decide you have failed to achieve that purpose.
When you made some effort to achieve your purpose, you felt stopped. Maybe achieving the purpose turned out to be more difficult than you expected. Maybe you saw someone else fail. Perhaps you became afraid or lazy. Maybe someone got in your road.
3. You then invent or agree with stops or barriers to your purpose.
"It's too much work for me." "I need a better education first." "They don't want me to do this." "No one succeeds without lucky breaks." "I don't know what to do." "It's better to settle for less."
Some people go even lower and begin to oppose solutions: "Don't try to help me as it is impossible." "I tried all the solutions and none of them work." "No one has the answers." "You should give up, too."
You stop looking for ways to succeed. You avoid setting any goals at all. You feel very tired.
Fortunately, you can turn things around and reach your biggest goals.
The Law Regarding Failed Purposes
"THERE IS A LAW ABOUT THIS -- ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO RESTORE LIFE AND ACTION IS TO REKINDLE* THE FAILED PURPOSE. THE STOPS WILL AT ONCE BLOW." -- L. Ron Hubbard (rekindle: revive or renew)
A simple solution to a very big, difficult problem. Just fire up your original purpose and the stops or barriers magically disappear! Can it be that easy?
Example: Jill, an amateur athlete, wants to enter and finish a 25-mile marathon even though she lost a leg in an auto accident when she was a teenager. She starts to run every day with her prosthetic leg, but trips and falls every mile or so. People keep telling her, "You're so brave!" "I really admire you for trying." "I would have given up long ago." Finally, after missing a few runs, she decides it is too difficult.
She tries to run one morning anyway. Usually, her real leg has a slight cramp, but this morning it feels worse. Jill normally pushes through, but for some reason, she lets it bother her. Suddenly, she falls on the sidewalk and scrapes her elbows and hands. A delivery truck drives by, hits a puddle and soaks her clothes while she is down. She quits for the day.
Each morning a new reason for not running comes up. She has a dental appointment. The weather is bad. The cat runs away. Stops, stops, stops.
She tells her family and friends, "I just didn't realize how tough it would be." "It's too cold and wet out there." "I probably should have given up long ago." The thought of running makes her tired.
Jill then learns the law about failed purposes. She thinks about ways she can fire up her original purpose. "All I wanted to do was enter and finish that stupid 25-mile run! Why did I want to do that? Oh yeah, it wasn't to prove anything. It wasn't to make people admire me. I wanted to run that race long before I lost the leg. I remember when I first saw people finishing the race on TV when I was in junior high school. I thought I should do that. It would be a really great thing to do. I would just prove to myself that I could run 25 miles. THAT was my purpose! I still want that!"
Within seconds, Jill feels great! She sees no reason she can't finish the 25-mile race. She changes her clothes and gets back into training. But this time, she is more determined than ever. "Nothing is going to stop me this time!" The stops have blown off.
Recommendations
1. What have you given up on? What goals did you once have, but now think are impossible? What purposes have failed?
2. FIRE THEM UP! What were your original reasons? Rekindle, renew and revive those original reasons.
3. Make the purposes stronger. Put more energy into them. Convince yourself that you can accomplish those purposes despite all the barriers. Notice what happens to all the "reasons" preventing that purpose.
4. Plan how you will reach these goals. Write down the steps. Focus on how you can succeed.
5. Make one small step toward the goal. Make another. Get some momentum going.
6. Each time you feel like quitting, change your mind and remember your reasons, your goals, your purposes.
7. You never fail until you decide to stop trying, so persist until you win!
"I have too many problems to reach my goals."
"I'm the wrong age/wrong race/wrong gender/wrong nationality."
"It seems too hard for me to do."
"I'd rather watch TV."
"Whatever made me think I could do that?"
"I'm sick of the whole thing."
"I simply can't do it."
"I'll do it some other time."
"I don't have enough energy."
"I didn't realize it would be this difficult."
"Like most people, I'll never reach my dreams."
"I've lost hope."
Once you start saying, "can't," you are on the downhill road to failure. "I can't do the project." "I can't pay my bills." "I can't succeed." Of course, barriers to success are part of society.
For example, most government regulations outline the things you cannot do. "You can't park there." "You can't keep that money." "Unless you follow these regulations, you can't . . . ." Pick up any law and notice how often the words "Prohibit," "Forbidden" and "Disallowed" occur while words like "Encouraged," "Allowed" and "Recommended" are absent.
Some employers like to act like governments and stop things. "You can't leave early." "You can't have more authority." "You can't do things your own way."
Businesses do it to customers. "We can't see you without an appointment." "I can't give you a discount if you pay in full." "Sorry, we cannot help you."
The real damage occurs when you stop yourself. "I can't handle more work." "I can't earn more money." "I can't change."
Have You Been Stopped?
When all you see in life are problems, you feel stopped. When you decide the forces in the universe are against you, you feel stopped. Whenever you feel like giving up, you feel stopped.
Why might you feel there are so many barriers to your progress?
"STOPS ALL OCCUR BECAUSE OF FAILED PURPOSES. BEHIND EVERY STOP THERE IS A FAILED PURPOSE." -- L. Ron Hubbard
The sequence goes like this:
1. You have a purpose to _________.
For example, do you remember some of your old purposes? Make $20 million. Raise a happy family. Tour Europe. Get involved in the community. Make a major contribution to society. Help people. Buy a mansion.
2. For one reason or other, you decide you have failed to achieve that purpose.
When you made some effort to achieve your purpose, you felt stopped. Maybe achieving the purpose turned out to be more difficult than you expected. Maybe you saw someone else fail. Perhaps you became afraid or lazy. Maybe someone got in your road.
3. You then invent or agree with stops or barriers to your purpose.
"It's too much work for me." "I need a better education first." "They don't want me to do this." "No one succeeds without lucky breaks." "I don't know what to do." "It's better to settle for less."
Some people go even lower and begin to oppose solutions: "Don't try to help me as it is impossible." "I tried all the solutions and none of them work." "No one has the answers." "You should give up, too."
You stop looking for ways to succeed. You avoid setting any goals at all. You feel very tired.
Fortunately, you can turn things around and reach your biggest goals.
The Law Regarding Failed Purposes
"THERE IS A LAW ABOUT THIS -- ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO RESTORE LIFE AND ACTION IS TO REKINDLE* THE FAILED PURPOSE. THE STOPS WILL AT ONCE BLOW." -- L. Ron Hubbard (rekindle: revive or renew)
A simple solution to a very big, difficult problem. Just fire up your original purpose and the stops or barriers magically disappear! Can it be that easy?
Example: Jill, an amateur athlete, wants to enter and finish a 25-mile marathon even though she lost a leg in an auto accident when she was a teenager. She starts to run every day with her prosthetic leg, but trips and falls every mile or so. People keep telling her, "You're so brave!" "I really admire you for trying." "I would have given up long ago." Finally, after missing a few runs, she decides it is too difficult.
She tries to run one morning anyway. Usually, her real leg has a slight cramp, but this morning it feels worse. Jill normally pushes through, but for some reason, she lets it bother her. Suddenly, she falls on the sidewalk and scrapes her elbows and hands. A delivery truck drives by, hits a puddle and soaks her clothes while she is down. She quits for the day.
Each morning a new reason for not running comes up. She has a dental appointment. The weather is bad. The cat runs away. Stops, stops, stops.
She tells her family and friends, "I just didn't realize how tough it would be." "It's too cold and wet out there." "I probably should have given up long ago." The thought of running makes her tired.
Jill then learns the law about failed purposes. She thinks about ways she can fire up her original purpose. "All I wanted to do was enter and finish that stupid 25-mile run! Why did I want to do that? Oh yeah, it wasn't to prove anything. It wasn't to make people admire me. I wanted to run that race long before I lost the leg. I remember when I first saw people finishing the race on TV when I was in junior high school. I thought I should do that. It would be a really great thing to do. I would just prove to myself that I could run 25 miles. THAT was my purpose! I still want that!"
Within seconds, Jill feels great! She sees no reason she can't finish the 25-mile race. She changes her clothes and gets back into training. But this time, she is more determined than ever. "Nothing is going to stop me this time!" The stops have blown off.
Recommendations
1. What have you given up on? What goals did you once have, but now think are impossible? What purposes have failed?
2. FIRE THEM UP! What were your original reasons? Rekindle, renew and revive those original reasons.
3. Make the purposes stronger. Put more energy into them. Convince yourself that you can accomplish those purposes despite all the barriers. Notice what happens to all the "reasons" preventing that purpose.
4. Plan how you will reach these goals. Write down the steps. Focus on how you can succeed.
5. Make one small step toward the goal. Make another. Get some momentum going.
6. Each time you feel like quitting, change your mind and remember your reasons, your goals, your purposes.
7. You never fail until you decide to stop trying, so persist until you win!
Get Anything You Want with ARC Affinity, Reality and Communication
"Understanding is composed of affinity, reality and communication." -- L. Ron Hubbard
Affinity: how well you like or love a person
Reality: how much agreement you have with a person; what you agree to be real
Communication: your exchange of information and ideas
Part 4: ARC in Sales and Negotiations
Even if you are not a professional sales person or negotiator, you do sell and negotiate every day. For example, you might sell an idea to your boss, negotiate dinner plans with your spouse, sell your value as a worker to get a raise, negotiate a lease, convince someone to work for you, negotiate with your son to clean up his room and so on.
Unfortunately, many salespeople and negotiators are taught to treat prospects like the enemy. "Strip off their objections! Make them afraid to buy from anyone else! Push them into a corner! Take away their choices! Nail them to the wall! Push them hard until they agree!"
With the ARC Triangle, you put the relationship first and the sale second. You communicate with the person, have affinity for the person and then reach an agreement with the person. ARC is so powerful, it even makes bad salespeople into wonderful salespeople.
For example, if you try to sell something without first establishing good ARC, the prospect is not going to tell you how he or she feels.
"So are you ready to buy?"
"No, I want to think about it."
"What's there to think about?"
"None of your business."
If you are in good ARC, you get a different response.
"So are you ready to buy?"
"Well, I'm concerned about the price. Can you tell me again how your payment plan works?"
Salespeople with high ARC even get sales because of their excellent ARC! "She was just such a nice person, I couldn't say no."
Because ARC makes your relationships genuine, you do your best to reach an ethical, helpful agreement or sale. People then tell you, "I'm so glad we worked out a deal where we both win!" "If you hadn't helped me, I would have bought the wrong insurance policy." "You really helped us solve so many problems with our finances. Now we can move into this wonderful home. Thank you!"
How to Establish ARC with New Contacts
This sentence from The Problems of Work is very effective in sales and negotiations.
"The way to talk to a man, then, would be to find something to like about him and to discuss something with which he can agree." -- L. Ron Hubbard
For example, if you are a smart car salesperson, you silently find something to like about the prospect as you approach. "I like how clean he keeps his car and how straight he stands." Because you have created a little affinity for the prospect, he or she will find it easier to have affinity for you.
Then, you find something on which to agree. "Quite a nice day we're having, would you say?" "Do you like the look of that new model?" "Can I show you around?"
When you attend business or social functions, you can make several new contacts with ARC. Simply walk up to someone, find something you like about him or her, then discover a point of agreement. "What do you like best about these gatherings?" "What is your opinion about _____(the meeting topic)_____?" "What business are you in?"
As a negotiator or deal maker, you have greater success when you first establish ARC with all parties. For example, when you first sit at the negotiation table, you look at each person and find something you like about each. "I like his suit, I like her hair, I like how bright he looks and I like how organized she is."
You then discuss something of which everyone can agree. "Does everyone agree that our goal today should be to find a deal that makes everyone happy?" "Is it okay with everyone if I control the discussions?" "Can everyone work on this for two full hours without interruption?"
Magically, because you start with ARC, you get more done in less time with greater results!
Recommendations
1. Write down a deal you would like to make or an item you would like to sell this week.
2. Write down how you will establish ARC with the people involved.
3. Go do it!
Affinity: how well you like or love a person
Reality: how much agreement you have with a person; what you agree to be real
Communication: your exchange of information and ideas
Part 4: ARC in Sales and Negotiations
Even if you are not a professional sales person or negotiator, you do sell and negotiate every day. For example, you might sell an idea to your boss, negotiate dinner plans with your spouse, sell your value as a worker to get a raise, negotiate a lease, convince someone to work for you, negotiate with your son to clean up his room and so on.
Unfortunately, many salespeople and negotiators are taught to treat prospects like the enemy. "Strip off their objections! Make them afraid to buy from anyone else! Push them into a corner! Take away their choices! Nail them to the wall! Push them hard until they agree!"
With the ARC Triangle, you put the relationship first and the sale second. You communicate with the person, have affinity for the person and then reach an agreement with the person. ARC is so powerful, it even makes bad salespeople into wonderful salespeople.
For example, if you try to sell something without first establishing good ARC, the prospect is not going to tell you how he or she feels.
"So are you ready to buy?"
"No, I want to think about it."
"What's there to think about?"
"None of your business."
If you are in good ARC, you get a different response.
"So are you ready to buy?"
"Well, I'm concerned about the price. Can you tell me again how your payment plan works?"
Salespeople with high ARC even get sales because of their excellent ARC! "She was just such a nice person, I couldn't say no."
Because ARC makes your relationships genuine, you do your best to reach an ethical, helpful agreement or sale. People then tell you, "I'm so glad we worked out a deal where we both win!" "If you hadn't helped me, I would have bought the wrong insurance policy." "You really helped us solve so many problems with our finances. Now we can move into this wonderful home. Thank you!"
How to Establish ARC with New Contacts
This sentence from The Problems of Work is very effective in sales and negotiations.
"The way to talk to a man, then, would be to find something to like about him and to discuss something with which he can agree." -- L. Ron Hubbard
For example, if you are a smart car salesperson, you silently find something to like about the prospect as you approach. "I like how clean he keeps his car and how straight he stands." Because you have created a little affinity for the prospect, he or she will find it easier to have affinity for you.
Then, you find something on which to agree. "Quite a nice day we're having, would you say?" "Do you like the look of that new model?" "Can I show you around?"
When you attend business or social functions, you can make several new contacts with ARC. Simply walk up to someone, find something you like about him or her, then discover a point of agreement. "What do you like best about these gatherings?" "What is your opinion about _____(the meeting topic)_____?" "What business are you in?"
As a negotiator or deal maker, you have greater success when you first establish ARC with all parties. For example, when you first sit at the negotiation table, you look at each person and find something you like about each. "I like his suit, I like her hair, I like how bright he looks and I like how organized she is."
You then discuss something of which everyone can agree. "Does everyone agree that our goal today should be to find a deal that makes everyone happy?" "Is it okay with everyone if I control the discussions?" "Can everyone work on this for two full hours without interruption?"
Magically, because you start with ARC, you get more done in less time with greater results!
Recommendations
1. Write down a deal you would like to make or an item you would like to sell this week.
2. Write down how you will establish ARC with the people involved.
3. Go do it!
The Ultimate New Relationship Tool Affinity, Reality and Communication (ARC)
“The ARC Triangle is the keystone of living
associations.” -- L. Ron Hubbard
Affinity: how well you like or love a person.
Reality: how much agreement you have with a person; what you agree to be real.
Communication: your exchange of information and ideas.
ARC Triangle: A triangle formed by affinity, reality and communication. When you raise one of the three points, the other two rise as well. When you lower one point, the other two drop.
Understanding: The combined result of affinity, reality and communication.
Part 3: How to Use ARC to Form New Relationships
Wouldn’t it be great if you could become fast friends with nearly everyone you met? If you could make people like you right away? If you could earn the support from everyone you wished to have support from?
For example, you could get strangers to agree with you within a few minutes. You could get the leaders in your field to listen to you and give you whatever you needed. You could earn respect from your coworkers, staff, colleagues, friends and family.
You can do all of these things with ARC. You start by using communication. Simply follow two steps:
"The way to talk to a man, then, would be to find something to like about him and to discuss something with which he can agree." -- L. Ron Hubbard (from The Problems of Work)
For example, you want to form a business relationship with a business owner. You invite him to lunch. Where do you start?
1. Find something you like about the owner. You look him over and decide he has a nice smile and good looking shoes. You have some affinity for him. This step is done.
2. Discuss something with which he can agree. He mentions that he hates the hot weather outside. You say, “I can’t stand the heat either, but my wife loves it.” He says, “My wife likes it too. Something is wrong with them.” You both laugh.
You can also ask questions to find something with which to agree. What has he been doing lately? How is his business going? What does he like about his field? What does he do for fun? Does he have any children?
Maybe you learn he loves to play tennis, has trouble with a government regulation and worries about his father’s health. You also have trouble with the same government regulation and so you discuss it. Your ARC with the business owner goes up.
As another example, you are waiting for your flight to Chicago at an airport. You decide to establish ARC with the business woman sitting next to you. First you find something you like about her, perhaps her red-leather briefcase.
So you say, "Nice briefcase!" She smiles and nods. Your affinity is established. You then find something with which she can agree. "Are you from Chicago?" She starts to communicate. You find points of agreement. You have ARC and perhaps a new business relationship.
If you are single and want to meet someone new, these two steps are great for breaking the ice with the opposite sex, even if you feel shy. For example, you notice someone you want to meet in a bookstore. He or she is looking at magazines. You do the first step and find something you like, such as this person’s hair, shoes and voice. You suddenly feel less shy. You then find something with which you can agree. “I need a good magazines. Which ones do you like best?” “I see you like gardening magazines. Me too. Have you seen this one?”
You can use this formula to form relationships with people who are difficult for you to understand. Say you get on that airplane for a long flight to Chicago and are assigned to sit next to a body-pierced, tattooed, pimply-faced teenager with McDonalds Big Mac breath. You follow the formula and find something to like about him: he has a beautiful sunset picture on his t-shirt. You feel a little better about the fellow. You find something with which he can agree. "Where did you get that great shirt?" "What do you like to do after school?" "That is quite a tattoo you have." Before long, you have enough ARC with this teenager to enjoy sitting next to him for the flight.
Recommendations
1. List all the people or types of people with whom you want to form a relationship.
2. Work out a way to use the two steps with each of them:
"The way to talk to a man, then, would be to find something to like about him and to discuss something with which he can agree." -- L. Ron Hubbard
Give it a try!
Affinity: how well you like or love a person.
Reality: how much agreement you have with a person; what you agree to be real.
Communication: your exchange of information and ideas.
ARC Triangle: A triangle formed by affinity, reality and communication. When you raise one of the three points, the other two rise as well. When you lower one point, the other two drop.
Understanding: The combined result of affinity, reality and communication.
Part 3: How to Use ARC to Form New Relationships
Wouldn’t it be great if you could become fast friends with nearly everyone you met? If you could make people like you right away? If you could earn the support from everyone you wished to have support from?
For example, you could get strangers to agree with you within a few minutes. You could get the leaders in your field to listen to you and give you whatever you needed. You could earn respect from your coworkers, staff, colleagues, friends and family.
You can do all of these things with ARC. You start by using communication. Simply follow two steps:
"The way to talk to a man, then, would be to find something to like about him and to discuss something with which he can agree." -- L. Ron Hubbard (from The Problems of Work)
For example, you want to form a business relationship with a business owner. You invite him to lunch. Where do you start?
1. Find something you like about the owner. You look him over and decide he has a nice smile and good looking shoes. You have some affinity for him. This step is done.
2. Discuss something with which he can agree. He mentions that he hates the hot weather outside. You say, “I can’t stand the heat either, but my wife loves it.” He says, “My wife likes it too. Something is wrong with them.” You both laugh.
You can also ask questions to find something with which to agree. What has he been doing lately? How is his business going? What does he like about his field? What does he do for fun? Does he have any children?
Maybe you learn he loves to play tennis, has trouble with a government regulation and worries about his father’s health. You also have trouble with the same government regulation and so you discuss it. Your ARC with the business owner goes up.
As another example, you are waiting for your flight to Chicago at an airport. You decide to establish ARC with the business woman sitting next to you. First you find something you like about her, perhaps her red-leather briefcase.
So you say, "Nice briefcase!" She smiles and nods. Your affinity is established. You then find something with which she can agree. "Are you from Chicago?" She starts to communicate. You find points of agreement. You have ARC and perhaps a new business relationship.
If you are single and want to meet someone new, these two steps are great for breaking the ice with the opposite sex, even if you feel shy. For example, you notice someone you want to meet in a bookstore. He or she is looking at magazines. You do the first step and find something you like, such as this person’s hair, shoes and voice. You suddenly feel less shy. You then find something with which you can agree. “I need a good magazines. Which ones do you like best?” “I see you like gardening magazines. Me too. Have you seen this one?”
You can use this formula to form relationships with people who are difficult for you to understand. Say you get on that airplane for a long flight to Chicago and are assigned to sit next to a body-pierced, tattooed, pimply-faced teenager with McDonalds Big Mac breath. You follow the formula and find something to like about him: he has a beautiful sunset picture on his t-shirt. You feel a little better about the fellow. You find something with which he can agree. "Where did you get that great shirt?" "What do you like to do after school?" "That is quite a tattoo you have." Before long, you have enough ARC with this teenager to enjoy sitting next to him for the flight.
Recommendations
1. List all the people or types of people with whom you want to form a relationship.
2. Work out a way to use the two steps with each of them:
"The way to talk to a man, then, would be to find something to like about him and to discuss something with which he can agree." -- L. Ron Hubbard
Give it a try!
The Ultimate Relationship Repair Tool (Affinity, Reality and Communication)
“Without affinity, there is no reality or communication. Without reality, there
is no affinity or communication. Without communication, there is neither
affinity nor reality. Now, these are sweeping statements, but are nevertheless
very valuable and are true.” -- L. Ron Hubbard
Affinity: how well you like or love a person.
Reality: how much agreement you have with a person; what you agree to be real.
Communication: your exchange of information and ideas.
Understanding: The combined result of affinity, reality and communication.
By increasing ARC, you can significantly improve your relationships at work and at home, find new friends, make more sales, negotiate better deals, lead your group more effectively and help more people. You will be selected as the best person for a date, for promotions at work, big contracts for your business or whatever you want most from life. Using this tool gives you more self-confidence, greater peace of mind and an improved view of yourself.
Part 1 in this series explains how the ARC Triangle works and how you can increase the amount of ARC you have with someone. Part 2 explains how you can repair upsets you have with others.
Part 2: Breaks in the ARC Triangle
Whenever you feel upset with someone, you have a broken triangle or an "ARC break." Every argument, fight or break up includes an ARC break. Everyone who once liked you and now seeks revenge against you, tries to get even with you or hopes you fail has an ARC break with you.
"The ARC break will vanish magically when the source is found." -- L. Ron Hubbard
You simply find and restore the broken point of the triangle. When did the upset begin? Which point of the triangle had a sudden drop?
Did you suddenly dislike the person (A)?
Did you have a disagreement (R)?
Did you have a communication problem (C)?
Once you spot the problem, you can repair it. If you fix the right problem, the sun shines, the birds sing and everything goes back to normal.
Example: Your accountant calls and says, "I’m sorry to tell you this, but I made a mistake. You need $10,000 by the end of the week to pay your taxes or you’ll get a $5000 penalty.”
You say, "You idiot! I don’t have that kind of money. How could you do this to me!" You hang up. You feel betrayed. You decide the accountant is an enemy and that you should not talk to him again.
Later, you still feel upset. You try to feel better, but you cannot. So you examine the problem to determine if the break in the ARC triangle is A, R or C.
You realize the problem is not that you dislike the accountant, but that your reality is shaken. You disagree with this new reality of owing taxes. This break in the R point of the triangle makes you want less communication. Of course, the A or Affinity point is therefore dropped as well.
Now that you know the problem is a break in reality, you calm down and decide to handle it. You call and say, "Sorry I hung up on you Peter, but the news was a shock to me. You need to explain this as it’s so unreal to me.” Within seconds, you and your accountant work out a solution.
When People Get Upset with You
When someone gets upset with you, you can use your knowledge of the ARC triangle to resolve the problem. For example, Fred, an old friend of yours, is acting odd on the phone. He doesn’t say much and won’t talk to you. You think back and try to determine if the problem is with A, R or C.
You ask yourself, “Did we suddenly dislike each other? No. Did we disagree about something? No. Did we have a communication problem?”
You realize you forgot to return Fred’s call last month (a break in communication) so you say, "I’m really sorry I didn’t call you back last month." Fred suddenly says, “Yeah! Call me when I leave a message so I don’t have to come over there and throw eggs at you, okay?” You both laugh.
As another example, you have been negotiating a contract with Pam and your last offer made her so mad she broke off the meeting and stormed out. Without your knowledge of ARC you might give up on the deal or start using intermediaries.
Instead, you look over the situation and evaluate the ARC. Which point is the most damaged? You realize the R or reality point went bad as no one can agree. How can you repair this break in reality?
You could raise the communication point by trying to call, but that does not seem appropriate. You could send a cheerful greeting card to increase the affinity, but that doesn't sound right either. You want Pam to realize there are more points of agreement than disagreement.
So you fax her a list that describes all the many points of agreement already established along with a request that she calls you when ready to complete the negotiation.
Your telephone rings 10 minutes later. Pam starts the conversation with an apology.
Suggestions
1. Are you currently upset with anyone?
2. If so, which of the three points of the ARC triangle do you think is broken? Is it broken because you dislike the person? Because you disagree with the person? Because you failed to communicate with the person?
3. How could you repair the break? What steps could you take?
4. Take those steps today!
5. Repeat the above four steps for other people you may be upset with.
6. Repeat with anyone who may be upset with you.
7. Repeat with anyone in your past with whom you wish to rekindle a relationship.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Affinity: how well you like or love a person.
Reality: how much agreement you have with a person; what you agree to be real.
Communication: your exchange of information and ideas.
Understanding: The combined result of affinity, reality and communication.
By increasing ARC, you can significantly improve your relationships at work and at home, find new friends, make more sales, negotiate better deals, lead your group more effectively and help more people. You will be selected as the best person for a date, for promotions at work, big contracts for your business or whatever you want most from life. Using this tool gives you more self-confidence, greater peace of mind and an improved view of yourself.
Part 1 in this series explains how the ARC Triangle works and how you can increase the amount of ARC you have with someone. Part 2 explains how you can repair upsets you have with others.
Part 2: Breaks in the ARC Triangle
Whenever you feel upset with someone, you have a broken triangle or an "ARC break." Every argument, fight or break up includes an ARC break. Everyone who once liked you and now seeks revenge against you, tries to get even with you or hopes you fail has an ARC break with you.
"The ARC break will vanish magically when the source is found." -- L. Ron Hubbard
You simply find and restore the broken point of the triangle. When did the upset begin? Which point of the triangle had a sudden drop?
Did you suddenly dislike the person (A)?
Did you have a disagreement (R)?
Did you have a communication problem (C)?
Once you spot the problem, you can repair it. If you fix the right problem, the sun shines, the birds sing and everything goes back to normal.
Example: Your accountant calls and says, "I’m sorry to tell you this, but I made a mistake. You need $10,000 by the end of the week to pay your taxes or you’ll get a $5000 penalty.”
You say, "You idiot! I don’t have that kind of money. How could you do this to me!" You hang up. You feel betrayed. You decide the accountant is an enemy and that you should not talk to him again.
Later, you still feel upset. You try to feel better, but you cannot. So you examine the problem to determine if the break in the ARC triangle is A, R or C.
You realize the problem is not that you dislike the accountant, but that your reality is shaken. You disagree with this new reality of owing taxes. This break in the R point of the triangle makes you want less communication. Of course, the A or Affinity point is therefore dropped as well.
Now that you know the problem is a break in reality, you calm down and decide to handle it. You call and say, "Sorry I hung up on you Peter, but the news was a shock to me. You need to explain this as it’s so unreal to me.” Within seconds, you and your accountant work out a solution.
When People Get Upset with You
When someone gets upset with you, you can use your knowledge of the ARC triangle to resolve the problem. For example, Fred, an old friend of yours, is acting odd on the phone. He doesn’t say much and won’t talk to you. You think back and try to determine if the problem is with A, R or C.
You ask yourself, “Did we suddenly dislike each other? No. Did we disagree about something? No. Did we have a communication problem?”
You realize you forgot to return Fred’s call last month (a break in communication) so you say, "I’m really sorry I didn’t call you back last month." Fred suddenly says, “Yeah! Call me when I leave a message so I don’t have to come over there and throw eggs at you, okay?” You both laugh.
As another example, you have been negotiating a contract with Pam and your last offer made her so mad she broke off the meeting and stormed out. Without your knowledge of ARC you might give up on the deal or start using intermediaries.
Instead, you look over the situation and evaluate the ARC. Which point is the most damaged? You realize the R or reality point went bad as no one can agree. How can you repair this break in reality?
You could raise the communication point by trying to call, but that does not seem appropriate. You could send a cheerful greeting card to increase the affinity, but that doesn't sound right either. You want Pam to realize there are more points of agreement than disagreement.
So you fax her a list that describes all the many points of agreement already established along with a request that she calls you when ready to complete the negotiation.
Your telephone rings 10 minutes later. Pam starts the conversation with an apology.
Suggestions
1. Are you currently upset with anyone?
2. If so, which of the three points of the ARC triangle do you think is broken? Is it broken because you dislike the person? Because you disagree with the person? Because you failed to communicate with the person?
3. How could you repair the break? What steps could you take?
4. Take those steps today!
5. Repeat the above four steps for other people you may be upset with.
6. Repeat with anyone who may be upset with you.
7. Repeat with anyone in your past with whom you wish to rekindle a relationship.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
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